Do we live in a photo obsessed society?

If you have ever juggled multiple electronic devices or had someone take a photograph of you taking a photograph, it gives you pause to think how all this documenting can get in the way of enjoying life.  We live in a society where people take photographs of everything from eating breakfast to going to the grocery store. Between my iphone and my point and shoot I always have at least two cameras on me. When I decide to bring along my SLR the total spikes to three.

The power of womanhood

There is no greater way to get outside yourself and devoid of worries than be serving others. A couple weeks ago, I had the honor and privilege to spend my time working with the youth and these fine women of our church at Fort Flagler. Each one of these women is an example to me for a variety of reasons. One tirelessly mothers six children, one effortlessly goes back and forth between multiple languages, one took to the dance floor with reckless abandonment and all of them demonstrate amazing inner strength, perseverance and love for others.

Hiking in Sedona and getting everything I ever wanted

As much as I like clothes, shopping and dressing up, I equally enjoy hiking, camping and getting dirty. When I was pregnant everyone automatically assumed I wanted a girl, but I was hoping for a boy. Aside from the fact my family is predominately girls, it was my heart's desire to raise a kind, gentle hearted man, like my husband.

The day the ultrasound technician told us we were having a boy, I shed a few tears of joy. My dream had come true and in that moment life was perfect. I was having my little boy and would be able to raise him with my kind hearted man. Oh, how my heart was full.

Now, as we wade through moments of sadness and miss our little boy everyday, we are reminded at every turn, how beautiful the world still is. In every raindrop, tree branch or flower, the wonder our son would have had for all these things can be reflected in our own eyes. For the brief time we spent with our son, I know he would want us overflowing with happiness and gratitude each and everyday.

Where am I?

Have you ever experienced that moment right after you wake up when you think to yourself. "What day is it? or Where am I? After the past couple of weeks of traveling, being in different states and time zones I have had this moment on one or more occasions when walking up inside a tent. While we were hiking around Durango every time I looked around I could not help but think I was back home in Washington. The mountains, the greenery, it all looked familiar although I had never visited Durango before.

lovely reminder

With our constant interconnectedness, it is easy to compare ourselves to others, to feel like we are not good enough or that we don't live a fabulous enough life. The reality is this quote: the things you take for granted someone else is praying for.

Let's try harder to be each other cheerleaders in life.

Happiness

This week I have been pondering the connection between happiness and personal peace. I have found a lot of truth in this talk. When I think of happiness this photo always comes to mind. Enjoy this weekend and do something which makes you happy or gives you a sense of peace. Or better yet, both.

Blog Love

As of late, I have received a lot of love from the blogging community. I am always impressed with how kind, friendly and supportive fellow bloggers are. It all started with some photos I took appearing on A Blog About Love, followed by a mention on Design Mom and then a feature on Decor To Adore. These posts culminated with an avalanche of support and well wishes. I must admit I was equally touched and embarrassed to be featured in the Inspiring Women series on Decor To Adore. It is rare experience to read such kind words about yourself, let alone have thousands of people see you in a hospital gown or read the words you penned just days after loosing your son. The past seven months have been quite the journey, my highest highs and my lowest lows. But through it all, the thing I love about blogging is the ability to be real, share my voice and be given the brief opportunity to see how other people perceive me rather than how I view myself.

Iceland, October 2010

Honoring Boston, honoring my body

Me in Boston, November 2008

As I ran through the park today, I intently watched two coast guard ships flank the ferry. It reminded me of how interconnected the world is. The recent tragedy in Boston has the ability to cause a ripple of fear and increased security around the world. Coast guard ships escort ferries while armed guardsmen stand watch over the Eiffel Tower. I find it easy to feel sad and disturbed by the news. On my run I did my best to formulate how I might personally honor the victims in Boston. As my feet hit the pavement, my thoughts turned towards the marathon runners. Runners by nature, appreciate, push and demand much out of their bodies. These are the the kind of people who do their best to fuel their bodies properly, allow them to rest and ask the upmost out of them day after day. I know many people who would scoff at the idea of running six miles, let alone twenty six. A triumphant, celebratory time turned into a time of panic, pain and heartache.

Yellow Happiness

Last week I was featured on A Blog About Love's Yellow Happiness Project. I submitted three photos and within days I was inundated by kind strangers stretching out a virtual hand of friendship. The internet never ceases to amaze me in its ability to connect people whose paths might not have ever crossed otherwise. Here is to never being too shy, busy or jaded to make new friends.

Doors

collection of door photographs from Granada, Nicaragua taken May 2012

When one door closes another one opens. Is this an expression you have heard before? More importantly is this something you believe? I can honestly say this is something I whole heartedly believe. Sometimes, not until reflecting on your life can see how this has come to fruition. Several weeks ago I was shopping at Chelsea Market when I crossed paths with a friendly woman. After several minutes of talking she asked the sometimes dreaded question, "Do you have any children?" As much as my mind wants to keep conversations with strangers simple, my heart will never allow me to do so. So, after knowing this woman for mere minutes I gave her the Reader Digest version of my life the past several months.

Labels

Whether out of convenience, laziness or mere necessity we tend to label people. She is the smart one, the pretty one, has the adorable kids or wears the cute clothes. Whether we know it or not, we all have been watered down to a few short words. I surmise we have even done this ourselves when asked to identify someone. Oftentimes, we resort to a few superficial comments about a person and then move on.

Oh how great it is to be surrounded by someone who know us for our true selves (ugly parts and all) and not just as the smart girl at school or the fashionable woman at church. Interestingly enough, I have found when you are part of a long term relationship it is easy to think of your other half as having certain qualities you yourself do not possess. In my own relationship I oftentimes have thought, he is the funny one, the one with a good sense of direction or the one with the sweet tooth. There really is no reason for categorizing ourselves this way, other than we tend to compare ourselves to others.

This week let's try to insert more meaningful descriptors when describing people (ie. she is the one with a good heart or positive attitude) and allow ourselves from time to time to be the funny one, the one with a good sense of direction or the one with the sweet tooth.

Is it just me or does anyone else find themselves doing this?

Writing

Me at the Salton Sea, January 2013

There is a quote by Anais Nin I have mulled around a lot lately in my mind, "we write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect". Over the past five months I have yearned to write and document my life in a way I have never desired to before. In my youth, I feverishly wrote. Whether it be lists, journal entries or most likely notes and letters galore. I had pen pals both near and far and even corresponded for a period of time with my grandmother and my great aunt. I craved mail, it made my day. While other kids purchased music and candy I was buying stationary, note cards and journals. Now, in this land of texting, email and instantaneous uploading I find myself single handily trying to keep the post office in business.

The older I become the more introspective I am about my life and the stronger my inner voice has become. Awhile ago I encouraged a friend to start a blog, but she merely scoffed at the idea by responding, "I have nothing to write about" Oh, how very wrong she was. Life in all its everyday, messy parts is valuable and worth writing and documenting either for yourself or for someone else who cannot find the words but still wants to be heard.

Has technology made you better or worse with keeping in touch or documenting your own life?

Stitch by stitch

The second horizontal strip quilt.

Quilts have become symbolic of certain periods of time in my life. My first quilting project was undertaken long before anyone ever knew I was pregnant. My thought was this: I am having a baby, why not make a quilt. When most people find out they are expecting they start calling their loved ones, I took a different approach and headed to the fabric store. I enlisted the help of my friend and together we toiled on a quilt with an unknown recipient. How exciting it was to tell her one day the recipient was someone growing inside of me. She had her suspicions, but had never been brave enough to ask.

Flash forward five months and I had already purchased fabric to make another quilt because I worried the first would be a little too feminine for my little guy. After Asher passed away the first project I wanted to undertake was commencing my second quilt. Days after he had pass away I remembering emailing my friend to tell her I wanted to start on the second quilt. I asked her if my response was weird and being the devoted friend she was she responded with a resounding 'no, not at all'. Less than one week after he passed away that same friend and I started to piece together the second quilt, much like I was piecing back together my life. Just recently the second quilt has been completed and while the first quilt was made for the hope and excitement of my new life, the second quilt was made for healing.

The first chevron quilt.

9/11 memorial

A little rainbow formed in the mist of the cascading waterfall.

On our first night in the city we looked down to see a construction zone, a dark void and one tall tower from our hotel window. Could we really be staring down at the World Trade Center? This notion simultaneously felt eery and amazing, making us both self reflective and awestruck. Seeing something on television is very different than witnessing it first hand.

Our first morning in New York we bundled up and walked across the street to see the 9/11 memorial. It was a clear, chilly day with the thermometer hovering in the teens. Just walking onto the grounds was enough to make me feel overcome with emotion. The loss, the tragedy, the families forever changed. I felt as though I could keep it together and then I came across a name followed by "and her unborn child". In that moment, it brought tears to my eyes. In one moment all of a man's hopes, dreams, and possibly his entire future were decimated. Walking around the perimeter of the Twin Tower's footprint reading name after name was a very powerful experience.

Living with a void

To the best of my ability I can finally say "I get it". Since I was not closely associated with any of the victims, nor had I ever even traveled to New York City prior to September 11th, I will never fully be able to "get it", but stepping on the hallow grounds of the 9/11 memorial was truly impactful. For most of us September 11th was a tragic day we will never forget, but I can honestly say it is not something I constantly think about. I am reminded of it particularly when I travel through the extra security measures, but my life does not typically consist of metal detectors or x-ray machines.

Spending a significant amount of time walking around the streets of New York City, I was able to observe and really studying the people of New York. Up until now, my travels to the big apple were brief interludes as I hopped from one tourist attraction to the next, but this time it was the "concrete jungle" and me. I navigated the subway, walked more in the past nine days than I have in a long time, was reminded of the importance of a good pair of shoes, and felt an added appreciation for a healthy body. For a person who yearns to be outdoors amongst nature, it was a different week for me to be among glass, concrete and steel and quite frankly the city took hold of my heart.

I finally understand why people in New York City are so proud to call it home. I understand what it means to live with heartache, lost dreams and still continue to push onward, rebuild your life and despite all odds even flourish. New York can be a rough and tough place, but as I walked the streets and my feet hit the pavement, I felt a connection to this human existence of heartache, trial and triumphant.

Determining your line

View of Pacific Ocean from Casco Viejo, Panama

Each of us as bloggers have had that moment where we must decide for ourselves the parameters for what we discuss and what we hold private. Some people remedy this situation by turning their blogs to private, as others forge deep into the depths of their souls without turning back. As I oscillate between travel log and sharing glimpses into my heart I would hope you would realize this is always a balancing act for me. I firmly believe sharing feelings is cathartic, but opening yourself up in a public format such as a blog allows for harsh criticism by others. I find value in this blog to share not only who I am, but who and what I love with others. I hope it provides an added measure of hope, beauty or entertainment to your day. I never claim my life to be perfect, but it is in the imperfections I grow, learn and become my better self.

There is no right way to blog, but I think it is a valid discussion to have nonetheless. How do you determine what you will share and what you will hold private?

One proud mama

As I got ready to go back to my freelance job the first time since I had Asher I was filled with a lot of anxiety. Would people avoid me? Would people treat me differently? Would people want to talk with me? These along with many other questions muddled my brain. The first thing I did in preparation was log onto my computer and download a picture of Asher. In the event anyone asked about him I would have it ready and at my disposal. I realize under 'normal' circumstances people have a child to show off, I however just have a photograph. It is moments like this that continue to sting and remind me of what I have temporarily lost. Temporarily is the key word.

I have been reading a poignant book entitled, What Is On the Other Side and this particular passage struck a nerve with me,"Joseph Smith declared that the mother who laid down her little child, being deprived of the privilege, the joy, and the satisfaction of bringing it up to manhood or womanhood in this world, would, after the resurrection, have all the joy, satisfaction and pleasure and even more than it would have been possible to have had in mortality, in seeing her child grow to the full measure of the stature of its spirit"

I know this to be true doctrine. I have faith in a loving and kind God.

Happy birthday Mr. Extraordinary!!

By most people's definition I lead an ordinary life. Now don't get me wrong I am not down myself, rather pointing out the facts.  Now if you want to hear what sets me apart and makes me extraordinary it is this man. No one has ever made me feel more beautiful, more talented, more utterly stunning and fascinating than he. He is the reason my life is anything but ordinary, he is the reason my life is extraordinary. If I have learned anything in the past few months, it is that I am one blessed woman. We have a love which is the farthest thing from average and ordinary. Happiest birthday to my much, much better half!!

P.s. Guess what? The rumors are true, he cleans all the bathrooms, does all the ironing and even cooks a meal once in awhile. See, I told you he is extraordinary.

Community

Sometimes by choice but oftentimes by circumstance, we become part of various groups or communities. One of the most powerful impacts of working on tiny flannel bereavement diapers are the women across the country I have been able to connect with who have experienced a similar loss.  I have been the benefactor of an outpouring of love and support from complete strangers. After making all our diaper sets I was left with twenty eight single diapers. I was uncertain what to do with these, so I contacted Megan from Teeny Tears  and within a day I was given a name and address on the opposite side of the country to send them to. Not two days after they were received there was a request for a 20 week boy kit. Oh, how my heart goes out to these grieving families, but it is a humbling experience to be able to provide some sort of solace during a difficult time. The need is constant and I am happy in my own small way I can help.

Smile more

Emotions whether good or bad are contagious. In general, I consider myself a happy person, but I would not classify myself as a smily person. I can feel perfectly happy and not smile, but when I am REALLY happy I have caught myself walking down the street smiling.

Join me in my New Year's resolution to smile more, I think you will find you are happy you did.

Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”