The first nine months

Ask any new parent and they will tell you the first nine months are a period of adjustment and change. Not only does the dynamic of your relationship with your spouse change, but your sleep patterns, your body and heart change too. What may have been important to you or brought you joy previously might pale in comparison to the love you have for your little one and each other. This might seem strange to hear, but the first nine months of grieving have been similar for me.

Donation day

Working on bereavement items such as teeny tiny diapers, small crocheted blankets and little hats and gowns is the most productive time I have ever spent. Connecting with other women who have suffered similar losses has been (aside from my faith and a supportive family) the key to my healing. You cannot put a price tag on being able to talk with another woman who says, "I have been there, it sucks but you can make it through this". The first donation we made was almost to the date of Asher's due date. I got a pit in my stomach the moment I step foot into the Labor and Delivery unit and wanted to run out of there as fast as I could. After meeting the L &  D manager, being able to talk with one of our nurses and several others it was clear to see we were making a difference and in turn our son's albeit brief life has made a difference.

Doors

collection of door photographs from Granada, Nicaragua taken May 2012

When one door closes another one opens. Is this an expression you have heard before? More importantly is this something you believe? I can honestly say this is something I whole heartedly believe. Sometimes, not until reflecting on your life can see how this has come to fruition. Several weeks ago I was shopping at Chelsea Market when I crossed paths with a friendly woman. After several minutes of talking she asked the sometimes dreaded question, "Do you have any children?" As much as my mind wants to keep conversations with strangers simple, my heart will never allow me to do so. So, after knowing this woman for mere minutes I gave her the Reader Digest version of my life the past several months.

Delivery day

After several months of prep, planning, hard work and contemplation we made the trek back to the hospital for our donation day. It was both a difficult and rewarding day being back in the Labor and Delivery unit. I felt both nervous and excited to be on that floor. The memories of my own delivery day flashed back along with an overwhelming sense of pride of how far we have come in the past couple of months. We were pleasantly surprised to spend a few moments with one of our favorite nurses as she delightfully perused all of our donations. The most tender moment was when she said to us, "I think about you guys all the time, you are written on my heart". As we got in the elevator to head down to our car, the tears started to flow. No matter how brief our son's life was, he too is forever written on our hearts. Making this delivery was such a powerful way to bring the year to a close.

Heaven sent

Two days after our son passed away we needed to escape. Our hearts ached and we wanted a break from the incessant tears and monotony of life. We packed up the car and headed north. We had no particular plans, only a destination in mind. We kept our eyes peeled for a place to stay and happened upon the coziest inn you could ever imagine..........it truly felt heaven sent. While we were there we spoke of starting a tradition to return each year to honor our son. Soon came Winter and an impending due date once again made our hearts heavy and we felt drawn to this special place. There is nothing which makes our hearts more full than enjoying the beauty of God's creation.

A small Christmas tree greeted us by the front door.

Gospel in action

It is with a full heart I want to express my sincere gratitude for all the sisters who came out to support me on our Service Night. There are not many places you can rally forty women together from all walks of life who are ready and willing to roll up there sleeves and devote an evening to helping out. I also wanted to thank all of you who have diligently supported me over the past couple of months. I have not only been lifted up by your prayers, but amazed at your capacity to selflessly give. Service Night was Relief Society at its best and the gospel truly in action.

We are close to our goal of having 50 complete layette sets and additional 200-250 diapers to donate this week. Working on these items has made me realize how thin the veil is between heaven and earth. I know all hands (no matter how small the task) who have worked on this items will be blessed.

The items we have been working on are for celestial beings and will touch the lives of hundreds if not thousands of people.  A blanket or a diaper might not seem like a big deal to you, but they will most likely become someone's most prized possession and one of only a few physical reminders their loved one was here on earth. 

There is a reason we call wards our ward family. I was truly feeling the love that evening.

Moving onward

During an open and honest conversation with a good friend, I asked her if she found it odd I am working on my second baby quilt right now. She wisely responded "there is no right or wrong way to grieve, you will find your own path". I have found a lot of freedom and comfort in that phrase. As a relative novice to grief, it is easy to assume as time distances you from your grief you should feel a certain way or do particular things, but I love the personal nature this phrase gives to grief. After further reflection this sentiment could be applied to an array of situations...."there is no right or wrong way to be happy or to feel fulfilled, you will find your own path".
In the midst of a different conversation a profound question was asked to me. "are you being kind to yourself?" What a great question to pause and cause some soul stirring reflection. This particular question really made me ponder my treatment of myself as opposed to the usual auto response to the vague. "how are you doing?"
Today, I appreciate friends who ask the soul stirring questions and friends who give me precious jewels of wisdom to percolate through my mind.

Finding purpose in gratitude

When life does not go according to plan, it is the perfect opportunity to dig deep, ponder what is really important to you and remind yourself what you are truly grateful for. This Thanksgiving was filled with reflection, a nice long walk, wildlife sightings and a feast.

A nice long walk in the cool, crisp air.

Service night

Our first Service Night was a grand success. We had an excellent turn out and everyone worked hard well into the evening. I think it is safe to say an enjoyable time was had by all, but most importantly we were able to make some great headway on our donation goal for December 25th. We decided to tackle diaper, hat, blanket and gown making all in one night. Whew! We quickly learned which projects are the most time consuming and did our best to divide and conquer given our individual skill sets. Almost everyone left with a project to take home and I know many hands will be busy over the coming months in Asher's behalf. I left that evening with a heart full of gratitude and a bag full of goodies to donate to other families in need.

With the help of Cameron's tracing and cutting and my Mom's sewing abilities we were able to pin, stuff with cards and ready 100 diapers to be delivered to the hospital.

Moving forward

Phoenix, Arizona

Life is never quite like you imagined. Maybe you thought you would marry young, maybe you thought you would have all your children by thirty or maybe you dreamt of working in a tall skyscraper and bringing home a fat paycheck. Regardless of how you thought your life might be, it is good to recognize how life never goes exactly according to your plan. Looking back, I am grateful for this because my life is better than I could have planned. 

Several months ago we picked out a date for my baby shower. For the first time I would be the guest of honor instead of the hostess. I was really looking forward to a day to celebrate the upcoming arrival of our baby with friends. Flash forward a month, we were faced with the untimely passing of our son and I was asked if I wanted to cancel my baby shower or do something instead. After thinking long and hard about this, I eventually decided to proceed with a service project instead of a baby shower. Initially, I thought the easiest thing to do would be cancel the event, but I soon realized the more good brought about because of the passing of my child the better. 

Several of my friends have struggled with what to say or do to help me, but in the end helping with their hands is what I will appreciate most. I am no longer grieving the loss of my baby shower, but excited for the opportunity to help a group of women fulfill a need they never knew existed. For our service project we will be making layette sets and diapers for the hospital where I had Asher. Our hope is this can be an ongoing project. In the short term we hope to make a large donation on his upcoming due date. I know other families will greatly benefit from this service and it is our small way of giving back to those who have given us so much.

Here are the two amazing organizations which we received services from: Teeny Tears and Minutes of Gold.

Life lately

I am quite taken with this poster because it is a great reminder to keep true to myself and not worry about the judgement of others. I have found the hardest part of grieving is my interactions with others. I realize people are unsure what to say, are downright afraid to talk to me or worse yet like to pretend it did not happen. I wish I could relay the message to everyone that even though a life changing event has transpired in my life, I am still at my core the same person.

Love and loss

A time of loss might seem like a counterintuitive time to feel an increase in love. In my limited experience, I have found if you allow it love will come pouring into your life and your heart when you  need it the most. Friends you might have lost touch with or who have allowed busy schedules to get in the way will try to reach out to you. One of the surprising side effects of grief is the realization of just how many people love you. Cameron and I have received an increase of love and support from those closest to us over the past few weeks. We have literally been lifted up by the thoughts and prayers of those who care.

After agonizing about how to proceed with the memorial we finally decided to keep it small and sweet-just like our dear Asher. We invited just a handful of family and friends and spent one very chilly morning remembering our little boy in the best way we could. Overall, I did better than I thought I would. I was concerned I might be the hysterical woman in the front row, but instead I was able to fight back the tears and say a few words about our little boy.

For those of you who were unable to attend here is a little bit of what I said:

The best way to describe this whole experience is to look at the definition of Asher. Asher means fortunate, happy and blessed.

We feel fortunate we were able to open our hearts, make room for another person in our lives and experience all the joys associated with bringing a little one into this world.

We feel happy we were able to feel his kicks, hear his heart beat and eventually hold him in our arms.

We feel blessed that Asher joined our family and is righteous and valiant enough to return back to our Heavenly Father so soon.

One of my favorite personal touches in the memorial was this flower arrangement. I am certain hardly anyone knew or noticed, but this was a recreation of one of the arrangements we had at my grandfather, Charles' memorial a couple years ago. Since Charles is Asher's middle name, it only seemed fitting to incorporate him somehow.

In honor of Asher we are working with Teeny Tears to make a difference in the lives of families with stillborns. 

Having it all

I have done my fair share of traveling in third world countries over the past several years. We have visited several different countries, but my take home message is almost always the same: I can be happy with less. The happiest people I have encountered are not the ones with largest homes, the biggest bank accounts or the fanciest cars, but the ones with the fullest hearts.

I vividly remember back in May cruising along a dirt road in Nicaragua in the back seat of a gold, decked out, tinted window car. With the windows down and the wind blowing my hair, I sat and watched two grown men belt out the lyrics to an American song from the 1990s. In that moment, I felt true joy radiating from the front seat. Joy for breath, for life and for friendship. I thought for a moment how often we take these things for granted until we are gently reminded to do so.

Two weeks after giving birth I had the clearance from my doctor to start running again. The first day I set out on my run I was ecstatic. I did not have to run super fast, but the ability of my body to give life, mend, repair, and then resume to my normal activities in such a short period of time astounds me. Giving birth has given me a new appreciation for my body and all it can do for me. If I do my best to treat it right, in turn it will do its best to treat me right. So if you see me running around town with a smile plastered to my face you will know why. These days I feel grateful for the small things, for my morning run or a break in the weather or the feeling I have it all because my heart is overflowing with gratitude.

Lessons learned

Reflecting upon the lessons I have learned during this difficult time of losing a child is quite possibly the most helpful thing I have done along my path of healing.

Granada, Nicaragua

1. Happiness is a choice: I have never found it challenging to be happy. I like to attribute this to my general positive attitude, surrounding myself with happy/supportive people and not having to endure very many tough trials in my life. Now, some days I have to make a conscious decision to be happy and when I decide not to be only I suffer.

2. Allowing others to serve you can be harder than serving others: By nature I like to do things for other people, but letting my guard down and allowing others to serve me has buoyed my soul, and filled my heart with love for those who have served me.

3. True compassion, kindess and concern does exist in the world: I will never forget the doctors and nurses who cried with me, held my hand and who exhibited a kindness and compassion for mankind I had never before experienced.

4. If I was bitter I would have missed out on all the blessings which have occurred in my life: I had always envisioned bringing home our first born child in a car seat, not in a tiny wooden box resting on my lap. At times it is easy to feel cheated, but this does not erase all the joy we have experienced over the past several months nor all the wonderful people who have showed an increase in love and support for us. 

5. The only thing I am in control of is how I react to situations: Thoughtless comments abound, inconsiderate, clueless people exist everywhere and the only thing I can control is how I react to it all. Sometimes I get the feeling people feel uncomfortable because I am not miserable and actually have the audacity to ask me how I can smile.

6. If you allow them, trials can make your marriage stronger: Going through trials can be tough, but experiencing them with a supportive spouse can make all the difference in the world. A steady shoulder to cry on, someone to hold your hand and remind you of all the happy times you have had together.

7. Your faith can see you through: My belief in God and that he has a plan for me has seen me through my darkest hours and has given me hope instead of despair for the future. 

In Memory

A friend of mine dropped off this poem with a gift the other day. I liked it so much I wanted to incorporate it into the program cover for Asher's memorial. My friend, Jessica, did such a wonderful job using not only the poem, but including every element I wanted. Our plan is to dedicate a park bench in his name, so it only seemed fitting to include a park bench with a tree.

Finding peace in a busy world

Optimism runs like waves. One day it is high and the next day it might be low. I have always appreciated a long run or quiet walk for clearing my mind, but over the past couple weeks this time has become crucial to my well being.

We live in such a spectacular place. I realize not everyone lives a mere ten minute walk from a place so wonderful, especially in the Fall.

There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head, but when I have my moments of clarity or hear just the thing I needed to hear I feel peace. One of the most humbling things I have experienced is realizing just how many people love us and want the best for us. In our moments of clarity we don't ask ourselves "why us" but rather "why not us". When someone says something to the effect of "I cannot believe you are here" or "I cannot believe you are smiling" I can have the strength to push pass these comments and move on.

Snippets of a conversation I had with a dear friend have been running through my head, so I thought I would share two of the most healing things I have heard:

This tragedy does not negate the joy you experienced leading up to it. This was a great reminder that nothing can take away from all the tiny moments of joy we experienced leading up to Asher's untimely death. It also was a great reminder of just how many wonderful moments we had.

Don't diminish your situation by comparing it to others. It is easy to say to ourselves it would be harder if.....but what you are experiencing has value and needs no comparison to other peoples situations.

I believe both these comments have an array of situations in which they can be applied and might be helpful in sorting through a trial you either are or will be experiencing in the future.

Solace in an apple orchard

There is nothing more quintessentially Fall than apple picking. The sun was shining, the orchard was quiet and we enjoyed a rare weekday off together. People keep exclaiming how surprised they are to see me out and about, smiling and having fun. If I have learned anything the past couple weeks it is healing can take place everywhere. In an orchard, on a walk, or even shopping with my Mom. I certainly would not benefit from being confined to my bed with a box of kleenex on my lap, that just is not me nor how my child would want me to be.

Apples are simple to pick. No thorns, no sticky juice escaping and there are always plenty in my reach.

Cameron taking a little break to juggle some fallen apples.

Our bounty of apples.

The product of all our hard work.