The first nine months

Ask any new parent and they will tell you the first nine months are a period of adjustment and change. Not only does the dynamic of your relationship with your spouse change, but your sleep patterns, your body and heart change too. What may have been important to you or brought you joy previously might pale in comparison to the love you have for your little one and each other. This might seem strange to hear, but the first nine months of grieving have been similar for me.

Preparing for our baby

One of my first matters of business after telling my family we were expecting was put in a request for an afghan from my Grandmother. I already knew what color I wanted it to be, so I happily selected some skeins and dropped them in the mail as a subtle hint for her to get busy. My grandmother, who is in her nineties has made an afghan for every grandchild and now every great grandchild and I was delighted at the prospect of finally receiving one for my own child.

Donation day

Working on bereavement items such as teeny tiny diapers, small crocheted blankets and little hats and gowns is the most productive time I have ever spent. Connecting with other women who have suffered similar losses has been (aside from my faith and a supportive family) the key to my healing. You cannot put a price tag on being able to talk with another woman who says, "I have been there, it sucks but you can make it through this". The first donation we made was almost to the date of Asher's due date. I got a pit in my stomach the moment I step foot into the Labor and Delivery unit and wanted to run out of there as fast as I could. After meeting the L &  D manager, being able to talk with one of our nurses and several others it was clear to see we were making a difference and in turn our son's albeit brief life has made a difference.

Doors

collection of door photographs from Granada, Nicaragua taken May 2012

When one door closes another one opens. Is this an expression you have heard before? More importantly is this something you believe? I can honestly say this is something I whole heartedly believe. Sometimes, not until reflecting on your life can see how this has come to fruition. Several weeks ago I was shopping at Chelsea Market when I crossed paths with a friendly woman. After several minutes of talking she asked the sometimes dreaded question, "Do you have any children?" As much as my mind wants to keep conversations with strangers simple, my heart will never allow me to do so. So, after knowing this woman for mere minutes I gave her the Reader Digest version of my life the past several months.

One proud mama

As I got ready to go back to my freelance job the first time since I had Asher I was filled with a lot of anxiety. Would people avoid me? Would people treat me differently? Would people want to talk with me? These along with many other questions muddled my brain. The first thing I did in preparation was log onto my computer and download a picture of Asher. In the event anyone asked about him I would have it ready and at my disposal. I realize under 'normal' circumstances people have a child to show off, I however just have a photograph. It is moments like this that continue to sting and remind me of what I have temporarily lost. Temporarily is the key word.

I have been reading a poignant book entitled, What Is On the Other Side and this particular passage struck a nerve with me,"Joseph Smith declared that the mother who laid down her little child, being deprived of the privilege, the joy, and the satisfaction of bringing it up to manhood or womanhood in this world, would, after the resurrection, have all the joy, satisfaction and pleasure and even more than it would have been possible to have had in mortality, in seeing her child grow to the full measure of the stature of its spirit"

I know this to be true doctrine. I have faith in a loving and kind God.

Heaven sent

Two days after our son passed away we needed to escape. Our hearts ached and we wanted a break from the incessant tears and monotony of life. We packed up the car and headed north. We had no particular plans, only a destination in mind. We kept our eyes peeled for a place to stay and happened upon the coziest inn you could ever imagine..........it truly felt heaven sent. While we were there we spoke of starting a tradition to return each year to honor our son. Soon came Winter and an impending due date once again made our hearts heavy and we felt drawn to this special place. There is nothing which makes our hearts more full than enjoying the beauty of God's creation.

A small Christmas tree greeted us by the front door.

Prized Possession

One of my dearest friends, Kristi, had the brilliant idea of commissioning a drawing of Asher as a gift to our family. Not only is this piece of artwork truly stunning, but will be a treasured memento for a lifetime.

If you would like a similar drawing done of your child or family, check out Mark's work here.

Love and loss

A time of loss might seem like a counterintuitive time to feel an increase in love. In my limited experience, I have found if you allow it love will come pouring into your life and your heart when you  need it the most. Friends you might have lost touch with or who have allowed busy schedules to get in the way will try to reach out to you. One of the surprising side effects of grief is the realization of just how many people love you. Cameron and I have received an increase of love and support from those closest to us over the past few weeks. We have literally been lifted up by the thoughts and prayers of those who care.

After agonizing about how to proceed with the memorial we finally decided to keep it small and sweet-just like our dear Asher. We invited just a handful of family and friends and spent one very chilly morning remembering our little boy in the best way we could. Overall, I did better than I thought I would. I was concerned I might be the hysterical woman in the front row, but instead I was able to fight back the tears and say a few words about our little boy.

For those of you who were unable to attend here is a little bit of what I said:

The best way to describe this whole experience is to look at the definition of Asher. Asher means fortunate, happy and blessed.

We feel fortunate we were able to open our hearts, make room for another person in our lives and experience all the joys associated with bringing a little one into this world.

We feel happy we were able to feel his kicks, hear his heart beat and eventually hold him in our arms.

We feel blessed that Asher joined our family and is righteous and valiant enough to return back to our Heavenly Father so soon.

One of my favorite personal touches in the memorial was this flower arrangement. I am certain hardly anyone knew or noticed, but this was a recreation of one of the arrangements we had at my grandfather, Charles' memorial a couple years ago. Since Charles is Asher's middle name, it only seemed fitting to incorporate him somehow.

In honor of Asher we are working with Teeny Tears to make a difference in the lives of families with stillborns. 

Lessons learned

Reflecting upon the lessons I have learned during this difficult time of losing a child is quite possibly the most helpful thing I have done along my path of healing.

Granada, Nicaragua

1. Happiness is a choice: I have never found it challenging to be happy. I like to attribute this to my general positive attitude, surrounding myself with happy/supportive people and not having to endure very many tough trials in my life. Now, some days I have to make a conscious decision to be happy and when I decide not to be only I suffer.

2. Allowing others to serve you can be harder than serving others: By nature I like to do things for other people, but letting my guard down and allowing others to serve me has buoyed my soul, and filled my heart with love for those who have served me.

3. True compassion, kindess and concern does exist in the world: I will never forget the doctors and nurses who cried with me, held my hand and who exhibited a kindness and compassion for mankind I had never before experienced.

4. If I was bitter I would have missed out on all the blessings which have occurred in my life: I had always envisioned bringing home our first born child in a car seat, not in a tiny wooden box resting on my lap. At times it is easy to feel cheated, but this does not erase all the joy we have experienced over the past several months nor all the wonderful people who have showed an increase in love and support for us. 

5. The only thing I am in control of is how I react to situations: Thoughtless comments abound, inconsiderate, clueless people exist everywhere and the only thing I can control is how I react to it all. Sometimes I get the feeling people feel uncomfortable because I am not miserable and actually have the audacity to ask me how I can smile.

6. If you allow them, trials can make your marriage stronger: Going through trials can be tough, but experiencing them with a supportive spouse can make all the difference in the world. A steady shoulder to cry on, someone to hold your hand and remind you of all the happy times you have had together.

7. Your faith can see you through: My belief in God and that he has a plan for me has seen me through my darkest hours and has given me hope instead of despair for the future. 

In Memory

A friend of mine dropped off this poem with a gift the other day. I liked it so much I wanted to incorporate it into the program cover for Asher's memorial. My friend, Jessica, did such a wonderful job using not only the poem, but including every element I wanted. Our plan is to dedicate a park bench in his name, so it only seemed fitting to include a park bench with a tree.

Winthrop: weekend getaway

Two days after I gave birth to Asher, Cameron suggested we go on a little weekend getaway. Given my current state, I would have never thought of doing so on my own. We packed up the car and headed on a scenic drive up to Winthrop with no particular plan in mind. The sun was shining, we were together and I could already feel my heart take its first steps toward healing. Despite our circumstances my heart felt full just thinking about how much I had to be grateful for.

Life goes on.....

No matter how tragic an event is which has transpired in your own life, the sobering fact is life still moves on. It might seem unfair or even make you downright angry at times, but laundry, bills and peoples general lack of concern may still occur. My thoughts turn toward our neighbors, who I like to think are generally good people. Through no fault of their own, they have no idea what is going on with us and even if they had saw us leave with a suitcase they would have thought nothing of us returning home a day later suitcase in hand. They would most likely would think we went on a little getaway and not that we had just left our heart at the hospital.

Asher Charles McKinley

Here are just a couple photos from the most cherished moments as our new family of three.

After twenty eight weeks of experiencing a picture perfect pregnancy the life we knew came crashing down around us as one sentence changed our lives forever. Abruptly, I experienced decreased fetal movement, but after a visit to my doctor she assured me there was nothing to worry about. Unsatisfied with this answer, a week later I returned to the doctor to hear the words every pregnant woman dreads "your baby does not have a heartbeat". In that moment and in the days and week to come we have experienced the most profound, spiritual, life changing, heart wrenching, soul stirring events of our lives. Words cannot express the heartache one can feel in coming so close to having everything you could ever want, only for it to drastically change in the end. Words can also not express the peace, love and greater understanding which can come from soul altering events like this.

To heed or not heed their advice.....

Most of my friends are astonished when they realize how many baby items I have already purchased, but frankly it is just my nature. I have been forewarned about skin tone and size of child making certain clothes not work, but that has not deterred me from becoming best friends with my local Baby Gap. Adorable little boy clothes are too irresistible to pass up and at discounted prices it seems like a shame to not just plan ahead. One question though....... Do you prefer footed or footless one pieces for your baby? Was there ever a case where they were too long and the footed items just did not work?

Baby nursery

Having a child is much like getting married, once everyone finds out they want to know the date and your color scheme. Long before we knew what we were having I started making my first quilt, the colors I was repeatedly drawn to were gray, white and yellow. I know they are a tad trendy, but our wedding colors were pink and green which seemed to have had their fair share of the spotlight. For the nursery, I am envisioning a room predominately white with gray and yellow accents.